Bird on a Wire

Sometimes I feel like a bird perching on a barbed wire fence in a strong wind, ready to lift into the sky with the merest flap of wings.

Bird on a Wire

My commitmentphobia is as entrenched as ever. Still no car. No house. No job. I can’t bring myself to make appointments or book plane tickets until the last minute, in case everything changes. Because everything can change in a moment.

I had a moment of intense clarity on Friday. To share details would be telling, but I realised in the space of an exchange lasting less than a minute that I needed to change something about my life, no matter how expensive or painful.

I can do that because I have enough saved up not to care too much about money. That is freedom, the kind of freedom that very few of us can claim.

In the end, the one thing I want to hold onto no matter what, is the power to walk away.

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3 thoughts on “Bird on a Wire

  1. garyk22

    Just read “Eat, Pray, Love” as part of my own journey in learning to let go, let be and let come. Your journey reminds me very much of Elizabeth Gilbert’s.

    Reply
  2. PM

    If you want to maintain the “power to walk away” as your ultimate goal, then you are ensuring your continuing commitmentphobia. That is fine, if that is really what you want. To be alone for the rest of your life is not a goal that too many people have, On the other hand, it is a goal that is easy for anyone to achieve.

    I think that the sharing that you do on social media fits well within that goal. You share publicly (within limits) so as not to share privately (without limits–or at least not limits set by you). Your social media sharing is perfectly under your control. Sharing within a relationship is not under your sole control.

    So, is it all a control thing? (I am asking–I certainly do not know)

    Reply
  3. PM

    “There are things I will never tell you. Being honest is, ironically, a way to distract you from finding out the things I’m afraid of.”

    this is what I was getting at in my above post

    Reply

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